Supermarkets: How Do They Compare?

I’m not a big fan of supermarket donuts, but a few months back I won some free donuts from Albertsons in their summer sweepstakes (although I would have preferred the $50,000 prize or even just $20). Free donuts . . . can’t turn them down. So I decided to conduct a little taste test, and checked out the offerings at the local supermarkets over a period of several weeks (not, as one might otherwise assume, in a single weekend). Here in San Diego, the three main supermarket chains are Albertsons, Vons, and Ralph’s. Yeah, yeah, I hear you saying . . . there’s Trader Joe’s and Henry’s and Whole Foods and Sprouts . . . the list goes on. But I’m not interested in organic spirulina donuts with flaxseed sprinkles.

If you’re in a pinch and need a donut but there’s no independent donut shop to be found, which supermarket is your best bet?

All three of the aforementioned supermarkets carry a relatively narrow selection: a few raised varieties (usually plain or with chocolate icing), maple bars, old-fashioneds, cakes, and apple fritters. Albertsons had a wider selection of icings, with most varieties available in maple and chocolate, as well as plain, and most were topped with a few sprinkles. Vons, on the other hand, jazzes up their donuts with more sprinkles and zigzag patterns of chocolate on the maple bars. Ralph’s, despite offering plenty of gourmet foods in other departments, did not put much flair on their donuts.

Yet we all know that sprinkles and snazzy colors do not make a donut—it’s all about taste. In that category, Ralph’s clearly came out ahead, with all their flavors hitting the mark; their maple bar had an intense flavor, and the chocolate cake donut was as good as any that can be found in an independent shop. Albertsons put forth a good effort, but their maple bar did not have as much zip as Ralph’s, and the old-fashioned was rather heavy. Vons, for all their sprinkles and fancy designs, fared the worst of the three. I had what I thought was a raised donut with vanilla icing, but when I bit into it, it was so dense I could not tell if it was a raised or cake donut. That’s not a good sign. Final rankings: (1) Ralph’s; (2) Albertsons; (3) Vons.

I sincerely hope that I never again have to resort to sampling supermarket donuts, but the task was one that needed to be done before my free donut coupons expired, and it is in the books. Just don’t ask me to do a taste test between 7-Eleven, Circle K, and AM/PM. There are too many great donut shops out there waiting to be discovered—and I promise y’all that there will be a new discovery next weekend.

It could be a bagel, but I don't think so.

Is this considered indecent exposure?

Finally, I know many of you would rather just look at pictures of donuts than read about them. There is no visual evidence of my supermarket taste test, so instead I offer you these two pictures, one of my favorite cycling socks, and the other of my favorite boxer briefs. Since I’m not into displaying pictures of myself nekkid or even half-nekkid on the Internet, I took this close-up shot of my underwear before I put it on. That’s about as risqué as the Donut Man will get.